Exploring the Clouds

by Courtney on March 30, 2008


Hello all darlings! I apologize for the little lapse in blogging. I’ve been experiencing some shifts and changes in my personal life that I’m adapting to and growing through… I’ve been in sort of a different place energetically and kept sitting down to blog and just having no idea what to blog about.

Nonetheless, all changes are welcome and an opportunity :)
So, at this time I am not sure what to write about.. day to day sort of things seem a little ‘off’ for me to write about at the moment. I’m truly blanking on how to even share what I’m experiencing. Well, I suppose I can cut it to the bottom line. I am intensely healing feelings, beliefs, and actions associated with:
  • Unworthiness
  • Fear of loss
  • Trust of myself and others
  • Fear of vulnerability
Most of what seems to be going on for me right now is a deeper level of experiencing intimacy with myself – loving myself, trusting myself, and experiencing that I am all I need and that all I need is within and available in abundance at all times. When I start to write this out… I’m realizing its really just the journey all of us are taking – to reach that place of peace, love, and trust within ourselves. To cease to seek for fulfillment, satisfaction, or joy from circumstances and other people.
I could go much more in depth and specific to what this means for me specifically, and specific experiences, but I don’t‘ know that its really necessary. The thing is, we’ve all been hurt in some way in our past, we’ve all had big and little experiences where we took on limiting beliefs that it is our responsibility to undo.
I find it so amazing that everything is so connected as well – all the ‘aspects’ to heal. I feel like it is time to really go to the ‘root’ of all these imbalances – because the remedy to every thing that is out of harmony is the same. It depends how we all speak of it, but what I mean is that one thing that brings us back to ‘the truth of who we are’, ‘the present moment’, ‘the oneness’, or ‘God,’ or any term or name we might use for that which heals anything and all things.

This shift, in regards to my day to day life, has caused a massive shift into spending ample amounts of time, usually several hours a day, being peaceful, quiet and inward – also meditating, writing, painting, spending time in nature, and a few other activities that work best for me to get back to center and joy.

Here are some of the things I am focusing on cultivating:

Experience of total nourishment and satisfaction from within, rather than from food or any other stimulatory activities, or other people, things, or circumstances

The knowledge that I am loved, worthy, and adequate – and then going beyond to seeing myself as fantastic, boundless, etc. – and not just some of the time, but all the time

  • Trusting myself – trusting my actions, my intuition, my feelings and my body
  • Being very intentional about what I need for ME – whether that be how I use my time, how I eat, or what direction to take in my life – to put myself first.
  • To cultivate staying open and loving despite the possibility (which really, is always there) of loss.
  • Choosing to open and remain loving and vulnerable despite the possibility of being hurt. I have a tendency to close and protect at the chance that an open wound could be either ignored or made a bigger wound.

And probably a lot more…

I actually really like when circumstances in life change – because it tests us. It’s easy to say we’re centered or loving or open when we’re comfortable – but what happens when things really change? I think that’s where the strength happens – the ability to stay centered in the uncertainty and ungroundedness of outside circumstances.

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Sarah aka Mama S March 31, 2008 at 9:27 pm

Courtney,

It sounds like you are on an even MORE amazing and profound path and gaining some intense and healing insight. Love and blessing to you.
And a big universal hug.

Sarah

Reply

Soma Girl April 1, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Courtney,

from what I have been researching lately, the feelings of trust, unworthiness etc. stem from a stage of the spiritual experience, called the Left hand of God… it is the experience of being pushed away from the path you are actually on. It is a way of showing contrast between ego-life and higher soul and is to your benefit. It is an indication of a correction occurring in your mental-emotional bodies. So, even if it feels like torture, and fear — know that it is temporary. love and light, Lindsay. :)

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Anonymous April 1, 2008 at 8:22 pm

thank you for your honesty…
it helps us all heal.
it is a sure sign you are beyond the ego and surrendered to your higher self.
thank you for your journey, your truth, the leaps of faith, the healing…you going forth on your journey, helps me on mine,

You are Magic,

Blissful Being, You are Loved, and a Child of God,

Be Well My Fellow Journeyerxxx

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